Lost in Transition – Dealing With Grief and Loss
We often think of grief as something that happens after a big event in our lives such as the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. But there are many small things that can cause grief to visit us, especially when we leave home to live in a new country. Many intangible losses can be tucked in amidst the excitement and benefits of living as a foreigner in a new place. These “hidden losses” occur when all the patterns of daily living are gone and with it the sense of security and competency that are vital to us all.
If you’re reading this, there are most likely losses you’ve experienced by shifting your life into a new culture. The loss can be big such as losing contact with family and friends, or the loss of a certain lifestyle or status or smaller losses like having access to your favorite creature comforts. What is left behind can be the familiarity that gives a sense of place and even the comfort of hearing your own language spoken on the street.
Everybody loses things and grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is a label given to a very generic process consisting of multiple moods but many times the word is used to label the feeling of being overwhelmed by loss. It is a feeling of incompleteness, of not having what we really want, or the loss of face or the sense of identity. Everyone experiences grief, but we express it in different ways. Grief is a process that is normal and nothing to be embarrassed about. Traditionally, cultures deal with grief in different ways. In Asian countries, there are specific rituals that mark someone’s passing on a scheduled basis sometimes stretching into many years ahead. This can be helpful because sometimes grief can be a stubborn guest. Many people take a long time to say goodbye. And there is no right way to grieve.
Akiko and Ben came to counselling because they were having trouble communicating in their marriage. Their only child had died two years previous after a long illness. Carol’s way of grieving was to keep her child’s memory alive by leaving his room the same and remembering his birthdays and special dates while Ben’s grieving style was to move on and not talk about it. When they could come to terms with and appreciate their individual styles of grieving, the pressure was lessened in the communication difficulty they were experiencing.
Hidden losses can also work in reverse when we return home again. When Lilly was a young child, she came with her family to Japan due to her father’s job transfer. She attended Japanese school and became fluent in the language and comfortable in the culture. When she returned to Australia, she became an ” invisible immigrant”. In other words, she looked like your average Aussie teenager, but inside she had different beliefs, assumptions and values that she learned from her many years in Japan. After sorting out a sense of personal identity, unresolved grief is the second greatest challenge for children who have spent most or all of their childhood in a culture other than their own.
If grief goes unresolved, it can appear in other kinds of behavior like anger, anxiety and depression. Diane was a JET teacher who was leaving Japan after three years of a very fulfilling life experience. She came into counselling because she was experiencing panic attacks and having great difficulty in sleeping. When she could acknowledge how much her experience here was deeply imbedded in her sense of self she began the process of saying goodbye to all she would miss about Japan, the good and the bad. When the anxiety and sadness lifted she felt more ready to move back home again.
Examining what we feel and not how we feel is the doorway in to dealing with unresolved grief. Experiencing a loss can cause a hairline fracture and we can see how our attempts to keep it together, to stay in control, can intensify our grief. For foreigners this can be a confusing paradox because at the same time there are wonderful and exciting experiences on offer from living in a new culture.
Grief and loss touches all of us. When the volume on grief is turned up, it can be debilitating, but when the volume is low, there can be a sweet kind of sadness. Passing through borders will mean there is always something left behind. When one gives attention to unresolved grief, transitions can be smoother. It can make life easier when moving from one country to another, into a new relationship, or a new sense of ourselves. Giving some attention to what has been left behind can clear a space for what lies ahead.